Helsinki Face Stuffing

***WARNING - This blog post will contain lots of discussion of, and photos of, FOOD.  If you do not like this, then why are you reading my blog?  This is what I do bitch.***

A couple of months ago, whilst researching gluten free goodies around the world, I noticed that a lot of people were commenting on how 'absolutely freaking super amazing' Finland is for such things.  This planted some little seeds in my mind, a seed for travel and a seed to go forth and stuff my face with as much gluten free food as I could possibly imagine.  So, a couple of weeks ago, I found myself at Tegel airport, waiting to board an Air Berlin flight bound for Helsinki.

I count the airport as part of the trip, it's where I start and therefore it is where my food experience begins, and, with it being still in Berlin offers a little context to why I was travelling.  This is the only thing in the whole of Tegel that I could eat (minus burger king fries).

Basically some badly grilled chicken, around 5 GIANT bell peppers and some smatterings of green things (plus a decidedly average cup o tea).  'Fresh & Healthy' it was not, 'Overpriced & Blandly Wank' it was.

A little later that day (alas for you travel bugs, I'll only be including the food elements of this trip), after arrival in Helsinki and a little pottering around in the decidedly peach coloured Hilton, I ended up at a Kotipizza, ordered, and received this.

You may be thinking, "damn, I wish there was better lighting, the photo makes that pizza looks like a scabby wound".  Well, it wasn't the lighting unfortunately, or the photography.  It was a little odd as a pizza, lacking in flavour and had an overall cheap-ness to it (if you're wondering, that's chicken, pineapple, two types of cheese - one being blue, all on a bed of orange goo).  It wasn't the best pizza I've ever had, and possibly not the worst.  But, I guess, at the end of the day, it was a pizza (a rationale you will be seeing often).

The downside though, was that although it was gluten free, I had quite a reaction to it and was ill for around 2 days, making the rest of the trip quite a struggle.  Yay Koti!

Fortunately the next day it was breakfast at the Peach Hilton, and I'd been assured that they could provide me with gluten free goodies.  Although when I was actually there and after a little perusal of the buffet, I couldn't find any.  A little poke of a nearby staff member and they brought these over to me on a plate (which resulted in every other diner shooting daggers at me, because, WTF! WHY was I being hand served something at a buffet when they, the most important people, were not!!).

They were pretty good.  Quite pleasant to eat, all nice and microwave warmed.

Burger Time

Another of the big pulls of Finland was that their McDonalds and, local chain, Hesburger offered gluten free buns with their shitty fast food meals, woo!  Now, it's not that I particularliy miss eating crappy fast food.  I don't.  One of the advantages of eating gluten free is that I'm about 130% more healthy in my dietary choices.  But, I've not had a burger burger in years, so the novelty factor and the sheer joy at being able to be one of the masses was too much to resist.

First I tried ol' Maccy D's.

I'm not sure why I chose the quarter pounder with cheese and not a big mac.  I'll have to live with that decision for some time.  But, it was a burger, in an actual bun.  Look!

It almost looks real!  Alas, eating it was a combination of remembering how crappy McDonalds is combined with the realisation that the bun was made out of a substance akin to polystyrene.  It compressed, but as it did, only got harder and required a shark like jaw to bite through it.

All in all.  It was awesome doing the "I'm Eating a MotherFucking Burger" thing.  But the burger itself was a little lacking.

Next up, was Hesburger, a chain I've never been to before, but at the end of the day is McDonalds with different menus (albeit a better name He's a Burger!).

After some waiting (it seems it takes 10 minutes to cook a fresh burger in a fast food joint), I was presented with this.

Yes, it does look better.  It has VEGETABLES! OMG!

To be fair, it was better than the Maccy's Turd Sandwich, but, the bread was still made from plastic and rather tough.  Still, it was an enjoyable experience for the most part, if I ignored the taste.

Cakes and Sweeties
You can get gluten free cakes here in Berlin, thankfully, but nowhere near in the numbers that you can in Helsinki.  It seemed like most cafe's had one or two gluten-less cakes, joy!

They were all most pleasant really.  Not much to add, no hilarious quips or anything.

 NOMS

NOMS 

Then I went to here.

And bought this.

I hear you thinking, 'that looks good', and it does.  Alas it didn't have much substance or flavour too it, although there was enough cream in it to kill a small family.

They did, AMAZINGLY, have gluten free treats in the airport.

Other bits n bobs
The rest of the culinary experience wasn't too amazing.  I went to a Spanish place that seemed to offer a lot of gluten free choices, but, it wasn't too good, I was presented with these as Patatas Bravas.

For some reason, I was expecting something other than frozen chips with mayo n ketchup splurged on them, that's positive thinking for ya.

I did get to eat some bambi though, and rather delicious it was indeed (any dish with combines berries and meat is a good dish in my books)

Finally, there was the gluten free bakery I'd been longing to go to (which, after booking the tickets, discovered that in my 3 day journey, it was only open for 1 single hour before I had to leave).

To be honest, I'd expected something of New Yorkian standards, in that they cooked everything themselves, but it was more a stall that sold gluten free products produced by other people/large bakery companies.  Just take a look at the ingredient list on these meat pasties.

Mmmmm, I always love my food with 11 E numbers.  Still, they were quite tasty.

The award for best named place goes to this one.

Alas, I did not have the balls to eat some Beefy Queen.

Its Pie Time

During the past couple of months I have made two important and interesting discoveries.  One, that there is an English restaurant in Berlin serving such delights as Pie n Mash, and Two, that there are these little magical pills called Glutenase Plus (I'm not sure why they're plus, there isn't a non plus version, and I think it just translates to, Glutenase Really Good, Honest!).

The theory behind them (and I'm no scientist here, so bare with me) is that each capsule contains hundreds or little creatures, that sit waiting in your stomach for the time when you eat Gluten.  Then, they spring into action, pick out all the little gluten bits from your food, happily nomming away with the idea that then you don't have to digest them.

Sounds reasonable enough I thought, so off I went with my eyes set firmly on a Steak and Ale pie.

Step One - Consuming the Pill
As it's an English Restaurant, it seemed fitting to do this with a cup o proper English Tea.

Although, the presentation was decidedly non-english (ie. no cup handle, spatula spoon and a timer!).

I popped this pill into one's stomach and sat waiting.  Nothing seemed to happen.  Nothing seemed to be different.  I couldn't feel the pills magical ingredients worming they're way around my insides.  But, sometimes these alternative treatments require a soupçon of faith, so I decided to believe.

Step Two - The Pie
A short while later, I was presented with this.

Now, this is where I'll have to split you up into some groups.  There will be those of you saying "ooo, that looks yummy", which is correct.  But, there will be those of you saying "that looks good, but that's no pie that i know of!", which is also correct.  To me a pie should have a base and a top of shortcrust pastry, not puff pastry.  A little let down perhaps, but the filling underneath that puffy lid was rather delicious.

Step Three - The Aftermath
The time after consumption was, well, not the best.  At first it was the horrific waiting process.  With my brain bouncing between "Hmm, I wonder if I'm about to get quite ill" or "Hmm, if this works, I'm about to be very happy!".  There was the odd stomach grumble in the first 10 minutes or so, "ahh, my gluten eating minions are doing their work!", I thought hopefully.  Then a little more gurgling with a little pain.  Then I slowly realised that, alas, the first of the two options then seemed to be winning.

After some 20 or 30 minutes the cramps and pain got worse, my stomach protesting at being forced to process some poison.  Then the various other immediate symptoms hit, light headed dizziness and generally fugginess whilst my intestines went into a hissy fit.  (if you want to imagine what it's like, combine how your brain feels when you have a particularly bad flu, the inability to concentrate and weariness that takes over you, with the onset of food poisoning whilst being punched in the stomach.)

The rest of the day was spent in a non-movement state waiting for it to get worse.  But, this is the silver lining, it didn't.  For all its initial shitness, it only got to a certain point of turd and never went beyond it.  The next day I was pretty rough, like i'd just spent 5 days in a row drinking till 6am, but I wasn't still bedridden, I could actually function.  The remaining nausea and general food poisoning like symptoms were still there for a week or so, but nowhere near as severe as they usually are.

So, do they work?  Well, yes and no.  They seemed to make the whole affair less serious, but it was still too serious to be worth doing, unless I have no choice that is.  Then, they may be a life saver.