Further Experimentation with George

A few months ago, whilst tinkering in my kitchen, I created a life form.  I mixed together some sludgy goo and purple cabbage leaves and created George.  He's required lots of attention, twice daily stirs and, due to his ravenous appetite, needs feeding quite often.  But he has been quite helpful, I have been slowly working my way through various combinations of flours, gums, oils, acids and dairy products to mix with him, all in the hope of producing a gluten free loaf I can be happy with.

Alas, I am a perfectionist, so this may be a long journey.

So far, the bread has mostly been either too rubbery, had a weird taste, or in the case of one loaf, been too fizzy (don't ask me what magic went on to make that happen).  Here are a few selections of my trials in order.

Got the air and yeast mixture right, just about everything else was meh.

Somehow, this one tasted gamey, I can't think of another word to describe it.  Just a general oddness to it.

The best innards so far, but an odd gooey crust that required a great deal of chew.

The best crust, nice and crispy and thick, but the most oddly flavoured innards, didn't quite taste like anything I've eaten before.  Plus, it had a rather sticky texture.

A good combination was had here, the crust was good and thick, the innards tasted good, but all in all it was just a little too crumbly.  It simply couldn't handle being a sandwich, and that's no loaf for me.  The main culprit seemed to of been the rice flour, it is just not great for bread (or at least the type's you can buy here).

Then, after some fudging (and adding some egg, plus greatly increasing oil+acid mix, plus a lot more xantham gum and a little hint of rice flour) I got this.

Which was actually pretty good.  Its about the same consistency on the inside as 'normal' british white bread, basically what I'm aiming for, and it holds together nicely for sandwiches.  It has a pretty good flavour, not too sour and not too strong. The crust is there, not too chewy, but alas it is just too thin and nobly.


So, now I'm at the stage where I've almost got it, I'm just about there.  The downside is that when I started all this, I was really missing bread, I yearned for a good sandwich.  Now, however, I've had enough bread to last a lifetime and am getting rather sick of it.  Oh, sweet irony.

Helsinki Face Stuffing

***WARNING - This blog post will contain lots of discussion of, and photos of, FOOD.  If you do not like this, then why are you reading my blog?  This is what I do bitch.***

A couple of months ago, whilst researching gluten free goodies around the world, I noticed that a lot of people were commenting on how 'absolutely freaking super amazing' Finland is for such things.  This planted some little seeds in my mind, a seed for travel and a seed to go forth and stuff my face with as much gluten free food as I could possibly imagine.  So, a couple of weeks ago, I found myself at Tegel airport, waiting to board an Air Berlin flight bound for Helsinki.

I count the airport as part of the trip, it's where I start and therefore it is where my food experience begins, and, with it being still in Berlin offers a little context to why I was travelling.  This is the only thing in the whole of Tegel that I could eat (minus burger king fries).

Basically some badly grilled chicken, around 5 GIANT bell peppers and some smatterings of green things (plus a decidedly average cup o tea).  'Fresh & Healthy' it was not, 'Overpriced & Blandly Wank' it was.

A little later that day (alas for you travel bugs, I'll only be including the food elements of this trip), after arrival in Helsinki and a little pottering around in the decidedly peach coloured Hilton, I ended up at a Kotipizza, ordered, and received this.

You may be thinking, "damn, I wish there was better lighting, the photo makes that pizza looks like a scabby wound".  Well, it wasn't the lighting unfortunately, or the photography.  It was a little odd as a pizza, lacking in flavour and had an overall cheap-ness to it (if you're wondering, that's chicken, pineapple, two types of cheese - one being blue, all on a bed of orange goo).  It wasn't the best pizza I've ever had, and possibly not the worst.  But, I guess, at the end of the day, it was a pizza (a rationale you will be seeing often).

The downside though, was that although it was gluten free, I had quite a reaction to it and was ill for around 2 days, making the rest of the trip quite a struggle.  Yay Koti!

Fortunately the next day it was breakfast at the Peach Hilton, and I'd been assured that they could provide me with gluten free goodies.  Although when I was actually there and after a little perusal of the buffet, I couldn't find any.  A little poke of a nearby staff member and they brought these over to me on a plate (which resulted in every other diner shooting daggers at me, because, WTF! WHY was I being hand served something at a buffet when they, the most important people, were not!!).

They were pretty good.  Quite pleasant to eat, all nice and microwave warmed.

Burger Time

Another of the big pulls of Finland was that their McDonalds and, local chain, Hesburger offered gluten free buns with their shitty fast food meals, woo!  Now, it's not that I particularliy miss eating crappy fast food.  I don't.  One of the advantages of eating gluten free is that I'm about 130% more healthy in my dietary choices.  But, I've not had a burger burger in years, so the novelty factor and the sheer joy at being able to be one of the masses was too much to resist.

First I tried ol' Maccy D's.

I'm not sure why I chose the quarter pounder with cheese and not a big mac.  I'll have to live with that decision for some time.  But, it was a burger, in an actual bun.  Look!

It almost looks real!  Alas, eating it was a combination of remembering how crappy McDonalds is combined with the realisation that the bun was made out of a substance akin to polystyrene.  It compressed, but as it did, only got harder and required a shark like jaw to bite through it.

All in all.  It was awesome doing the "I'm Eating a MotherFucking Burger" thing.  But the burger itself was a little lacking.

Next up, was Hesburger, a chain I've never been to before, but at the end of the day is McDonalds with different menus (albeit a better name He's a Burger!).

After some waiting (it seems it takes 10 minutes to cook a fresh burger in a fast food joint), I was presented with this.

Yes, it does look better.  It has VEGETABLES! OMG!

To be fair, it was better than the Maccy's Turd Sandwich, but, the bread was still made from plastic and rather tough.  Still, it was an enjoyable experience for the most part, if I ignored the taste.

Cakes and Sweeties
You can get gluten free cakes here in Berlin, thankfully, but nowhere near in the numbers that you can in Helsinki.  It seemed like most cafe's had one or two gluten-less cakes, joy!

They were all most pleasant really.  Not much to add, no hilarious quips or anything.

 NOMS

NOMS 

Then I went to here.

And bought this.

I hear you thinking, 'that looks good', and it does.  Alas it didn't have much substance or flavour too it, although there was enough cream in it to kill a small family.

They did, AMAZINGLY, have gluten free treats in the airport.

Other bits n bobs
The rest of the culinary experience wasn't too amazing.  I went to a Spanish place that seemed to offer a lot of gluten free choices, but, it wasn't too good, I was presented with these as Patatas Bravas.

For some reason, I was expecting something other than frozen chips with mayo n ketchup splurged on them, that's positive thinking for ya.

I did get to eat some bambi though, and rather delicious it was indeed (any dish with combines berries and meat is a good dish in my books)

Finally, there was the gluten free bakery I'd been longing to go to (which, after booking the tickets, discovered that in my 3 day journey, it was only open for 1 single hour before I had to leave).

To be honest, I'd expected something of New Yorkian standards, in that they cooked everything themselves, but it was more a stall that sold gluten free products produced by other people/large bakery companies.  Just take a look at the ingredient list on these meat pasties.

Mmmmm, I always love my food with 11 E numbers.  Still, they were quite tasty.

The award for best named place goes to this one.

Alas, I did not have the balls to eat some Beefy Queen.

Its Pie Time

During the past couple of months I have made two important and interesting discoveries.  One, that there is an English restaurant in Berlin serving such delights as Pie n Mash, and Two, that there are these little magical pills called Glutenase Plus (I'm not sure why they're plus, there isn't a non plus version, and I think it just translates to, Glutenase Really Good, Honest!).

The theory behind them (and I'm no scientist here, so bare with me) is that each capsule contains hundreds or little creatures, that sit waiting in your stomach for the time when you eat Gluten.  Then, they spring into action, pick out all the little gluten bits from your food, happily nomming away with the idea that then you don't have to digest them.

Sounds reasonable enough I thought, so off I went with my eyes set firmly on a Steak and Ale pie.

Step One - Consuming the Pill
As it's an English Restaurant, it seemed fitting to do this with a cup o proper English Tea.

Although, the presentation was decidedly non-english (ie. no cup handle, spatula spoon and a timer!).

I popped this pill into one's stomach and sat waiting.  Nothing seemed to happen.  Nothing seemed to be different.  I couldn't feel the pills magical ingredients worming they're way around my insides.  But, sometimes these alternative treatments require a soupçon of faith, so I decided to believe.

Step Two - The Pie
A short while later, I was presented with this.

Now, this is where I'll have to split you up into some groups.  There will be those of you saying "ooo, that looks yummy", which is correct.  But, there will be those of you saying "that looks good, but that's no pie that i know of!", which is also correct.  To me a pie should have a base and a top of shortcrust pastry, not puff pastry.  A little let down perhaps, but the filling underneath that puffy lid was rather delicious.

Step Three - The Aftermath
The time after consumption was, well, not the best.  At first it was the horrific waiting process.  With my brain bouncing between "Hmm, I wonder if I'm about to get quite ill" or "Hmm, if this works, I'm about to be very happy!".  There was the odd stomach grumble in the first 10 minutes or so, "ahh, my gluten eating minions are doing their work!", I thought hopefully.  Then a little more gurgling with a little pain.  Then I slowly realised that, alas, the first of the two options then seemed to be winning.

After some 20 or 30 minutes the cramps and pain got worse, my stomach protesting at being forced to process some poison.  Then the various other immediate symptoms hit, light headed dizziness and generally fugginess whilst my intestines went into a hissy fit.  (if you want to imagine what it's like, combine how your brain feels when you have a particularly bad flu, the inability to concentrate and weariness that takes over you, with the onset of food poisoning whilst being punched in the stomach.)

The rest of the day was spent in a non-movement state waiting for it to get worse.  But, this is the silver lining, it didn't.  For all its initial shitness, it only got to a certain point of turd and never went beyond it.  The next day I was pretty rough, like i'd just spent 5 days in a row drinking till 6am, but I wasn't still bedridden, I could actually function.  The remaining nausea and general food poisoning like symptoms were still there for a week or so, but nowhere near as severe as they usually are.

So, do they work?  Well, yes and no.  They seemed to make the whole affair less serious, but it was still too serious to be worth doing, unless I have no choice that is.  Then, they may be a life saver.

My New Love

First, a little background.  I've been prone to disease most of my life, cold's and flu have a distinct attraction to me, they love to burrow in and make my body their playpen for a while.  All it takes is being in the same room as someone who has a contagious viral infection and I have it (unless I take some rather OCD hazmat precautions and don't touch anything/breathe).  This is quite an irritation.  Especially as when I have said cold, there'll generally be a day or two of severe throat pain, constant sneezing/nose blowing and complete lack of energy, followed by another week or so of nose blowing.  Not the most joyful experience in the world.  In an average year I used to have anything from 6 or 10 weeks out ill.

Now when I cut out evil gluten, this improved and I got ill far less frequently.  Whether it was psychosomatic or  whether my system was a little less 'fucked' from being poisoned constantly, I am not sure.  Either way, I seemed to fight off infections a little more.

Then came this lovely substance.

NOMS!!!

(ps. I know this is technically not just zinc, but

the zinc on its own didn't look so delicious)

Now, I would describe myself as a skeptic with an open mind.  If something has been proven to work, it works, otherwise it's most likely hippy naturalistic crap (don't get me started on the fact that qualified doctors here prescribe homeopathy).  I know there is a placebo response and it can have quite a large effect on some conditions, but mostly there has to be a reason why something works and a scientifically significant, observable effect.

Most of you may be of been already aware of the apparent link between eating zinc and reducing the symptoms of colds.  I was not.  So when I heard they had conducted a study on the effects and, from the condensed version I heard, found it to be effective (although with the proviso that if you took enough zinc to help, the nausea from the side effects could be worse), I thought I'd give it a try.

The result being that the past few times I've been ill I've either not noticed it, just feeling worn down for a couple of days with a sniffly nose, or the length of the symptoms have been drastically reduced to an afternoon or at most a day before being back to complete normality.  No runny nose, not much of a sore throat.

I assume this is how most other people have colds, its not so much of an hindrance to every day life, crappy, but not stuck in bed for a couple of days crappy like I've experienced most of my life.

The main problem with this though, is why the hell wasn't I told about this 20 years ago?  The first study was done in 1984 and seemingly everyone I mention it to is like "oh, yeah, of course zinc helps with colds".  What worries me is what other little nuggets of essential information have I been deprived of?

The only other problem being that I'm not taking as much zinc as is noted in the paper, but its still having a significant effect.  Placebo?  Psychosomatic?  Real?  That I had a Zinc Deficiency before the pills?  Who knows.  All I know is I'm ill a hell of a lot less.

Therefore, I Love Zinc.


PS. It also seems that taking pills is better than lozenges as it causes less side effects : Zinc Study

Yeast Based Experimentation

I have recently become more and more irritated with the state of gluten free bread here in deutschland.  You see, early this year I visited the home land, the UK, and sampled some of the gluten free breaded delights there.  Compared to the brick like monstrosities you get here, they were heavenly.

So, after a sufficient period of cathartic complaining, I decided to do something about it.  Much googlings later and I arrived at this.

A little tub of goo I've named George.

You see, there are two steps to making good Gluten Free bread.  The first is the same as regular bread, getting a good yeast.  The yeast gives the bread a lot of its flavour, a lot of its texture and determines how light and air pockety it is.  Apparently the best thing to do, is to have your own live yeast culture growing away in your kitchen, all made from 'WILD' yeast.  So this is what I did.  A secret combination of gluten free flours (coconut, rice and braunhirse), water and a couple of red cabbage leaves later and these little things were forming.

Bubbles!!  Which means George is alive and well.  I have to feed him every 12 to 24 hours and give him some attention by stirring him around and mixing him up.  He's just like a little stinky pet.  I've had him for a week or so now and he's quite ravenous, bubbling like a lunatic if i leave him alone for too long.

The second part is getting the right combination of flours, this is the tough one.  Plus, you need to mimic the gluten content of normal bread to get the right texture.  My first experiment came out ok.

The dough was of a more cake/batter variety so its settled into some odd shapes.  But the inside was of a good consistency.

George seems to of worked his magic quite well.  The only problem was the taste as a little on the brown bread side, a little too vollkorn for my liking.

Next time, more corn, less braunhirse.

Inept Queueing

I went to watch a film last week, Attack the Block if you must know, which was part of the Fantasy Film Fest here in Berlin, and not just any old showing, it was a special event of the festival with the Director in attendance.  None other than the Joe part of the great Adam & Joe combination.

So, whilst trying not to jump around in giddy excitement, I boarded the train nice and early with the idea of getting to the cinema half an hour before, getting nicely into the queue and therefore getting a nice good seat. Where I'd not only be able to not only view the film in glorious comfort, but to be able to view said director close enough that I cannot blank him from my vision with surreptitious use of my thumb.

At first, everything was going rather well, there was a queue already formed, so I joined it and started patiently waiting.  After a short amount of time, i noticed that there was a smaller queue forming to the right of the main queue.  After a little more time I noticed people just milling around at the sides.  Then I realised, I'm in Germany, not the UK, queueing is not something terribly important to people here.  The result being that this happened.

"A clusterfuck of Morons"

The idea seemed to be that no matter what time you arrive, you just stand as close to the door as you can get and then when people start to move in, you lightly push and as if by magic, you get in.

It wasn't that there was any violence or crushed bodies, everyone seemed ok with the fact that if you're stood at the back, you have to wait until all the people that pushed in were assimilated into the queue.  So people that arrived 2 minutes before got a better seat than those who'd been there for 40 minutes.

Now, you could say I'm being English, or that "who cares about queueing, you square!  If you want to get to the front you should!  Just push!!"  Well, I think it comes down to basic decency and respect for the other humans.  Why should I push to the front and give a giant "fuck you arsehole!" to the people behind who had the foresight to get there a little early.

I think its because, here in Berlin, people are of the "screw the rules! i'm an anarchist! i'll do what i like!!" mindset.  Which is good, it gives Berlin an edge that you don't really get in other places and I love it.  The problem being, I don't see where pushing in a cinema queue is "sticking it to the man" or pushing out the boundaries of what it is to live as a human being.  It just boils down to basic selfish behaviour  made palatable by a veneer of political ideology.

There is nothing alternative about it atall, its just self obsessed tits being selfish pricks.  The result of all of this being my view of the director (and his surprise guest sidekick Nick Frost), was this.

Thumb Coverable

Fuckers.

Advertising for Giants

Around the end of last year I was sat in the lovely (even if it does have cocks painted on its ceiling) An einem Sonntag im August, drinking a lovely Cafe Mocca when I noticed this horrific thing staring at me from across the road.

"My god!", I thought, "How could they put up such a giant turd of an advertisement on the side of a whole building!".  After grumbling for a short period of time (most enjoyable), I didn't give it much further thought.  A freak occurance from the whims of a lunatic advertising agency perhaps.  Then this happened.

And then this.

And currently there's a shittering of giant multicoloured Ipads glaring down at you (I've had enough of photographing these things so you shall have to use your imagination, just try to imagine your a dead, hell residing and being tortured with pap, Don Draper).

Ok, so, I know, its not exactly the end of the world, they will of finished the construction there soon and then they can go screw themselves/stop assaulting my eyeballs.  But, alas, that was way too postive a train of thought.

Why they think this is ok is beyond me.  Why should they be allowed to do this?  When did it become ok in society for companies to do whatever they like in regards to advertising.  I mean, what is wrong with this :

It may be a little messy, but its much better than this smiling twats face.

A Fuckwit

The Irritations of being Non-Average

Warning, the following article contains language of an extreme griping nature.  Read at your own boredom.

There are of course, many irritations in one's life (the abundance of morons in the world being a big one) and a lot of the time these irritations are shared amongst the collective population of the planet.  As in, things aren't so bad when everyone has to endure the figurative turds constantly being thrown at them.  But then, there are irritations which are shared by the minority of people for the simple fact of that said "population of the planet" and their general uniformity.

You see, I was born different.  Not like other humans.  I'm special.  Now, if this was a superpower like being able to absorb knowledge by eating books, that would be awesome.  But alas, it is nothing so exciting.  It is, brace yourself, the power of being ever so slightly different in size and general composition than the average pleb.

Its something that has manifested itself throughout my life, each time just niggling at me a little bit and making my slog that little bit harder.  The first I noticed, were shoes.  They simply don't fit.  They're always too slim and the wide fitting ones are wide in the wrong places.  Add to this that my size for the most part (depending on the stupid ass manufactures whims) is a UK 11 and a half.  Nowhere stocked 11 and a half.  11, often.  12, rarely.  11.5, practically never and when they do its in some gaudy pink and green effigy.  Fuckers.  Things are a little easier here for the size at least, but the idea of having comfy shoes is something I gave up on a long time ago.

Buying jeans is much the same story, I'm a 33/32.  The world is made for people who are 32/32 or 34/32, but rarely 33/32 (infact, getting a leg size that is smaller or the same as your waist size seems to be beyond the norm).  My shoulder to waist/chest ratio is also slightly off meaning that shirts and t-shirts are a pain if I don't want to look like a vain body builder/secretive pregnant teenager.  Now, I know I can go to special places and buy special sized stuff, but, it does so suck donkey arse that I don't have much of a range to choose from.

Then, there's the most recent events.  I'm trying to get a couple of issues I have with my contact lenses sorted out.  Simple you would think, and after weeks of trying different lenses, it would be sorted.  But, of course, I need a power that is at a .25 incrementation when they only do .50.  The diameter needed for my giant (therefore gorgeous) eyes is something that is simply not manufactured (unless you have astigmatism, and then, you're an extra special little twat and can have the larger lenses for your privileged seeing balls).  Oh, and just incase all that was too easy, the curve of my eyeballs is just inbetween two standard sizes, 8.6 and 8.8.

And then, my teeth.  You see, for those that don't know I've been having a single root canal done for the past 3 and a half months, with practically bi-weekly visits to the torture chair (only softened by giggly attractive dental assistants), all without much of a resolution.  The reason turns out to be (after having to go to an expensive specialist) is that my tooth has two root canals in it, hidden at the base, when it should only have one.


I could go on and list many more little things, but, what can one do at the end of the day.  Not much really, just cope with the deal that life has given me, complain about it and do my best to illicit sympathy from as many people as possible.  Plus, there are, of course, some parts of the anatomy that are improved when they're above the average, so I can't complain too much.


Ps. I'm talking about my problem finding a hat for my large head, hence containing my mammoth brain and huge intellect.  What did you think I meant you filthy minded little deviants?

Opening Presents is Fun

Daisy and her Christmas Present

Back to the UK : Part 2 - Warrington-ness

Giant Dirty Buttplugs

Warrington

Whilst a dislike of Warrington was never a part of why I moved to Berlin, I did become a little less fond of the place after my recent visit.  Its not that its a particularly bad place (apart from the humongous Chav population and weekly stabbings/glassings in the town centre), but I came to realise that I've started taking everything in Berlin for granted.  The idea that I can get to pretty much everything I want within 10 minutes walk/tram seems normal and this simple thing is not possible there.

But, Warrington isn't without its highlights.  For instance, look at the picture at the top of the blog, someone actually thought that they would be a good idea!

The main high street is as dead as it looks here.

But, in the shopping mall, they do now have some nice (cheapo) German shops.

But, I was not in Town to see the sights.  The plan was to meet up with a friend for a coffee.  So, off I went to Starbucks and was greeted by this.

Now, I think this picture sums up Warrington quite well.  OLD people.  (plus, look at the guy on the far right, they are the only people that should wear a flat cap, old grey haired men.  This is why I will never buy one until I am at such an age.)

A little further down the main high street is this memorial fountain for the bombing in '93.  Look at it, why would anyone walk down here and think, yes, this is obviously a hive of activity, I'll bomb that.

The town centre is where most people go out to drink, so of a Friday night there are a gazillion people mulling around, bumping in to each other looking to start a fight, in such lovely establishments as these

If only the sign was meant for everything. 

A 90's bar.  Indeed.

Shopping

After the brief reminiscence in the town centre, I had a chance to visit the Trafford Centre.  A colossal cheese turd of a place (which is quite good for shopping in).  Just look at it.

Only after having quite a break to I find myself now asking, "Why did they design the food court area to look like a ship?".  It must of all seemed natural when I first went, now it just seems a bit mental.  (plus, I believe the 'gourmet burger kitchen' is anything but such a thing).

But, the place is full of a ridiculous number of shops.  And, get this, more than 2 or 3 of them contain clothes for adult males!!! OMFG!!!  As in, I could, if I wanted, not look like a chav!  I got slightly overwhelmed with the choice and bought lots.  (if you can't read inbetween the lines, what I'm saying is that Berlin shops are a giant sexist conspiracy theory, clothes for women and stripy topped youths only!)

But, then, upon walking out, I had this cheese slapped in my face.

That is "The Great Hall".  Full of painted concrete and the set piece from close encounters of the third kind.

In conclusion, as Part 1, there wasn't as much choice as I remember there being.  It was better in a few ways, but not the place of all that my rose tinted glasses remembered.